Summer Livin'

Where to start? My last update via Facebook left off with my return to Cardiff after time away in Rostrevor for a friend's wedding and then in England for the YWAM European Leadership Gathering. So maybe the best place to start is telling you about some conversations I had during my time away from the city. During my time in Rostrevor I was coming to the end of my weekly therapy session (if you didn't know I was in therapy - surprise! It's been some of the hardest yet most rewarding stuff I've done over the last six years and I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone) when my therapist brought up the idea of taking a leave of absence from work. She suggested taking a set time aside, away from Cardiff, to rest and focus on intentional healing. As she said it there was a small part of me that released a deep breath and a much bigger part of me that went tense. Take rest? (what's that) Leave Wales? (so, admit defeat) More therapy? (As big an advocate for therapy as I am, I can honestly say that rarely is it a fun process and the thought of increasing my sessions felt really daunting) Once she had finished I politely agreed to give the idea some thought and ended our zoom session to let myself spiral into my thoughts and fears. I convinced myself that this didn't need to happen, it couldn't happen, and that the professionally trained therapist who's been seeing me for years probably didn't know what she was talking about. Except. Except that small part of me that had been holding its breath was yelling at me that maybe, just maybe it was worth looking into. So I entrusted my spiral of thoughts and my therapist's recommendation to some close friends, leaders, my church and my family and asked for their prayers. After weeks of internal back and forth, external conversations, lots of prayer, and eventually a peace that the Lord was in this process with me - a plan came together. I would spend my six month leave in Northern Ireland to return to a trusted community, a familiar place, and the place my therapist was located.

That leads me to here and now. As of today I've been back in Rostrevor for roughly two months embarking on the hard task of resting. And I say that unironically, the hard task of resting. Learning to slow down is HARD. Choosing patience and self compassion is HARD. Every day is different. Some days are rose coloured and bring a feeling of invincibility. But honestly the majority of days at this point in the process can be difficult and the feelings of impatience, impossibility and inadequacy are often my companions. I am, however, choosing to believe and hope that the hardship is worth it. What keeps me at it is the unshakable truth that is I know that I know that what I know of God is good. Sometimes that's the only thing I have to hold onto, but it's enough.

Now, some clarifying things to note. I have not left Cardiff permanently, nor was it the reason for me needing leave. Come October I'll move back and restart my work with YWAM midway through the month. There was no Big And Terrible Thing that happened to cause me to leave Wales or missions. It was just time for a break. This leave is a tremendous privilege and I'm grateful to be able to take it! Do I know what the rest of the summer looks like? Not much beyond a hopeful outline. Do I know what life looks like once I'm back in Cardiff? Not much beyond some anticipated dreams.

This six months is a time to keep chipping away at the work and the lessons I've been learning the last few years and will most likely keep needing to learn throughout my life. I'm grateful for the space to do it intentionally. That wouldn't be possible without the support of you all, my community. So truly and from the bottom of my heart, thank you.